Praising Children: When Genuine Praise is Appropriate – and How Kids Benefit from It

The Right Approach to Praise

There is an art to praising that strengthens children in their development. But not every praise is helpful. When your child has done something really well, tell them! But make sure to keep these three points in mind:

1. Honesty and Credibility

Children have a keen sense of whether praise is sincere. If you praise your child for things that are taken for granted or skills they have long mastered, the praise quickly loses its impact. Give your child the opportunity to realistically assess their abilities and actions. For example, if your child has drawn a picture that they proudly present, it’s important to acknowledge the effort and creativity they put into the work. Instead of simply saying, "That’s nice!" you could mention how well the colors harmonize or how clearly the shapes are defined. This way, your child learns that their effort and creativity are appreciated.

Another aspect of honesty is that children learn to handle constructive criticism. If you praise everything they do excessively, they may struggle with criticism later on. A balanced approach between praise and constructive feedback helps them realistically assess their abilities and continuously improve.

2. Specific Praise

A simple "Well done!" or "Great!" shows your enthusiasm, but it is often too vague. Try to be more specific about what you like. Instead of saying, "The picture looks nice!" you could say: "You chose the colors very well" or "You can really see how happy the girl looks." This way, your child is praised for something different with each drawing and does not get used to a blanket "You paint wonderfully!" Specific praise helps children develop their skills further because they know exactly what they did well and what they can be proud of. For instance, if your child has learned a new technique in sports, you can specifically mention how well they executed the movement instead of just praising them for participating.

Specific praise also has the advantage of fostering communication between you and your child. When you are specific, you show your child that you are genuinely paying attention to what they do. This strengthens the bond and trust between you both. Additionally, it enhances the child’s awareness of their own strengths and weaknesses, helping them to understand and accept themselves better.

3. Praise Effort Instead of Ability

Praising effort, such as saying, "You really put in a lot of effort there!", motivates children to keep trying and achieve success through their own efforts. Abilities like intelligence or beauty are beyond their control, which can lead them to avoid challenges to not appear "incapable." When you praise your child for their effort, you encourage them to embrace challenges and step out of their comfort zone. For example, if your child solves a difficult puzzle, you could say: "I’m impressed by how patient you were and how you solved the puzzle." This shows your child that their perseverance and determination are valued.

Praising effort instead of ability also promotes what is known as a growth mindset. Children who learn that effort leads to success are more likely to try new things and learn from mistakes. They develop a positive attitude towards challenges and see them as opportunities for learning and growth.

The Right Amount of Praise

The right amount of praise is crucial. Some parents praise their child for every little thing, which can backfire. A study shows that excessive praise creates high expectations. Children with low self-esteem who are excessively praised tend to avoid significant challenges for fear of not mastering them "incredibly well."

Researchers found that less confident children are actually more often excessively praised. In one study, the self-esteem of children was measured. They were asked to draw a picture that was evaluated by a supposed "famous painter." Children who were excessively praised subsequently chose the easiest tasks, fearing they would not perform as well again.

It is important for parents to find a healthy balance. While it may be tempting to constantly praise children to boost their self-esteem, this can lead them to rely solely on praise to feel good about themselves. Instead, parents should aim to use praise purposefully and combine it with encouragement and support. For example, if your child is learning a musical instrument and makes a mistake, instead of praising them immediately, you could encourage them to keep practicing and show them that mistakes are a natural part of the learning process.

Patience and Praise

Patience plays a crucial role in praise. A well-known brain researcher emphasizes that crucial learning processes happen through personal experiences. It is important to let children solve problems independently and to praise them for their efforts. This way, they develop a sense of pride in their achievements.

Our praise should give children the feeling that they can be proud of themselves. If children are only proud of a reward, something is wrong. Praise gives children the strength and confidence to find their own path to independence. Parents should ensure they give their children enough space to find their own solutions. For instance, if your child has a problem with their homework, instead of intervening immediately, you could encourage them to try different approaches and praise them for their efforts, even if the solution isn’t perfect.

Patience also means giving children the time they need to develop their skills. Sometimes it can be frustrating to watch them struggle, but it is important to allow them the opportunity to find their own solutions. This strengthens their self-confidence and their ability to handle challenges in the future.

Praise and Appearance

Especially girls are often praised for their appearance. However, this signals to them that their worth depends on external factors. Instead, we should give specific compliments and praise children for their abilities and efforts.

If you particularly like a piece of clothing or a hairstyle, you can incorporate that praise into the conversation. Ask about their favorite color or who did their hair. This shifts the focus from appearance to abilities and interests. For example, you could say: "Your dress has a great color! Do you like blue that much too? Or what is your favorite color?" or "Your hair looks great! Can your dad braid it so well, or who did that?" This type of conversation promotes self-confidence and shows children that they are appreciated for more than just their looks.

By focusing on what children do and how they strive, rather than on their external appearance, we help them develop a healthy self-esteem. This is especially important in a world that often emphasizes superficial values.

Conclusion: Praise with Care

It’s the small, specific praises that make a difference and help children grow into confident adults. Instead of saying, "You are so sweet!" you could mention how great it is that the child shares their cookies or is being attentive. These little things strengthen your children's self-esteem – a little more each day.

Parents should be aware that praise is a powerful tool that should be used thoughtfully. Through honest, specific, and effort-based praise, we can encourage our children to become confident and independent. By focusing on their efforts and progress, rather than the end result or appearance, we help them develop a healthy self-esteem that will accompany them throughout their lives.