Learning to Share: Successfully Navigating the 'Mine' Phase

Why Your Child Doesn't Want to Share

The need to possess and defend things is deeply ingrained in us. Your child's behavior is completely normal. Around 18 months, children begin to claim everything with a determined "Mine!" This behavior is a remnant from prehistoric times when possession was crucial for survival. Toddlers often strongly identify with their belongings. When these are taken away, they feel threatened.

During this phase, it's important to understand your child's perspective. To us adults, it may seem incomprehensible why a small toy car is so important, but for your child, it holds immense significance. It is a part of their world, and taking it away can feel like a small loss. This early form of possessiveness is crucial for developing self-awareness and autonomy.

Another aspect is the emotional attachment that children develop to their objects. If your child doesn't want to part with their favorite stuffed animal, it's often because they associate it with comfort and security. This attachment is a natural part of child development and shows that your child is beginning to understand their environment and find their place in it.

When Children Learn to Share

Sharing is a social skill that must be learned. It contradicts the natural instinct to give something up. Children need time to understand that sharing can be beneficial. While adults know that sharing ice cream is more fun, children have to learn this first. Little ones see themselves as the center of the universe and have a different perception of time.

The ability to learn to share heavily depends on your child's emotional and social maturity. It is a process that requires patience and understanding. Experts emphasize that children begin to develop a genuine understanding of others' perspectives around the age of four to five. Before that, it is more of an exercise in patience and social behavior.

An important step in the learning process is understanding the needs and feelings of others. Children who learn to develop empathy are often better able to recognize the benefits of sharing. Encourage your child to put themselves in others' shoes by asking questions like: "How would you feel if you wanted to play?" or "What do you think your friend is feeling right now?" These conversations foster emotional intelligence and help your child better understand social dynamics.

To Intervene or Not?

Even if the insight into the "why" comes later, children under three can learn that certain behaviors, like taking toys, are not acceptable. When two children argue over a toy, it is often better to wait and see if they can resolve it themselves. Forcing children to share only makes them defend their possessions even more. Instead, after the conflict, talk about what happened and discuss feelings.

In practice, this means that as a parent, you should sometimes just observe. Let the children work through their conflicts as long as it doesn't escalate into physical altercations. These experiences are valuable as they help children develop social skills. However, if you need to intervene, try to take on a mediating role rather than taking sides or solving the problem for them.

Another approach is to introduce rules and rituals that facilitate sharing. For example, you could implement a "toy clock" that indicates when it's time to play with a particular toy. Such rituals help children better understand and accept the concept of sharing.

How to Teach Your Child to Share

When children realize that they gain more by sharing than losing, it becomes easier. Parents are important role models. Demonstrate generosity and show that sharing is fun. Children imitate behaviors from others, especially older kids. In a daycare where sharing is the norm, your child will adopt this behavior.

A playful approach can work wonders. Try to integrate sharing into daily life by initiating games that require resource sharing. Reward your child with praise and recognition when they share, and explain why sharing is a positive experience. Stories and books that address the theme of sharing can also help convey the importance of this skill.

Another important factor is the environment in which your child grows up. If sharing is seen as a given in the family and among friends, your child is likely to adopt this attitude. Encourage your child to share their toys with others and create opportunities where sharing is a positive experience, such as through joint craft projects or sharing snacks at a picnic.

Only Children and Sharing

Whether a child enjoys sharing depends not only on social training but also on personality. The notion that only children cannot share is a myth. Sibling children often feel compelled to defend their territory. Only children may have plenty of toys but find it boring to play alone.

Parents of only children can promote sharing by regularly organizing playgroups or involving the child in activities that require collaboration. Through interaction with other children, your child learns that sharing can be not only necessary but also enriching. It is important to find a balance between respecting your child's ownership and encouraging generosity.

It is important that there are things that are not shared. Even in a generous household, there are items that only the owner may use. This should be respected by all. These exceptions help children develop a healthy understanding of ownership and generosity by learning that it is okay to keep certain things for themselves while others can be shared.

It Comes with Time

When my son was one and a half, he was the most generous child on the playground. A year later, that changed. Today, at four years old, he can share wonderfully, especially with his little sister. I am more relaxed with her. She will learn too. Everything is just a phase.

This process of learning and growing is unique for each child. It requires patience and understanding from parents, but the reward is worth it. Your child will not only learn how to share but also how to cooperate with others and develop empathy. These skills are crucial for social well-being and success later in life.

Remember that learning to share is a natural part of your child's development. With the right support and a positive role model, your child will learn this important skill and benefit from it. And don't forget: You're doing great!