The Terrible Twos? How to Support Your Child Instead of Losing Your Cool

Why We Now Call the Defiance Phase the Autonomy Phase

"I want to!", "I can do it myself!", "No!" – such phrases are common in the autonomy phase. Children begin to develop their own will between the ages of two and four. Some start as early as eighteen months, while others catch up at five or six. What’s important is that they want to be seen, just like we adults do.

This phase is often referred to as the autonomy phase today because it marks the beginning of independence and the development of a unique personality. A social educator explains that parents should celebrate their child's first tantrum just as much as they do their first steps. It shows that the child is developing well. This phase is crucial because the child realizes that they have their own personality with their own needs.

During this time, it’s important to give children space to make their own decisions and try things out for themselves. This doesn’t mean they should always get their way, but it’s essential to listen to them and take their feelings seriously. This not only fosters their self-confidence but also their ability to cope with frustration.

The autonomy phase is a significant milestone in child development. It shows that the child is beginning to see themselves as an independent person. This realization is vital for the child as they learn to recognize and express their own needs and desires. Parents can support this process by giving their child opportunities to make decisions and take responsibility. This can be done through simple tasks like choosing their clothes or deciding on a toy. Through such small choices, the child learns that their opinion matters and that they have an influence on their environment.

Terrible Twos at 2?

Yes, this can definitely be the case. In this phase, children recognize that they can and want to do more things on their own. They develop clear ideas about how things should be and want to express this. However, they repeatedly encounter limits, which leads to frustration – a feeling we adults know well.

The child has a plan but often fails because they can’t manage everything on their own yet. They may be too small, too slow, or held back by their parents. Sometimes we adults simply don’t understand what the child wants, which further intensifies the frustration. This frustration can manifest as tantrums, which can be difficult for parents to handle. It’s important to understand that these outbursts are not a sign of bad behavior but a natural part of development.

A common comparison is with learning to play an instrument. You know theoretically how it works, but you just can’t play it the way you imagine. Similarly, a two-year-old is trying to understand and control their environment but keeps running into obstacles.

During the defiance phase, children experience a wide range of emotions that can often be overwhelming. They feel frustrated because they overestimate their own abilities while simultaneously hitting the limits of their motor and verbal skills. This discrepancy between what they want and what they can actually do often leads to tantrums. Parents can help their child by showing them that it’s okay to make mistakes and that it’s not a big deal if things don’t work out right away. This support can help the child cope with frustration and encourage them to keep trying.

First Aid for Emotional Outbursts

It’s important that children cannot hurt themselves in their anger. Show them that you are there for them. Some children calm down when you hold them gently or hug them. Others don’t want to be held, and that’s okay too. What’s important is that you signal to them that their feelings are valid.

Avoid lecturing the child during a tantrum. This is about as effective as giving wise advice to an adult in a fit of anger or sadness. Instead, it’s more helpful to mirror the situation by saying, "I see that you are angry because..." or "I understand that you are disappointed because...". This helps the child name and express their emotions.

Another helpful approach is to stay calm yourself. This is easier said than done, but it can make a big difference. If you notice that you are becoming frustrated, take a moment to breathe deeply before reacting. This can help you see the situation more clearly and assist your child better.

It’s also important for parents to learn to control their own emotions. When a child has a tantrum, it can be very stressful for parents. In such moments, it’s crucial for parents to remain calm and not lose their composure. This means that parents need to soothe themselves before they can help their child. This can be done through deep breathing, counting to ten, or stepping out of the room for a moment. By controlling their own emotions, parents can be good role models for their child and show them how to deal with frustration.

The Autonomy Phase is Extremely Important for Our Children

For parents, the defiance phase is often challenging and exhausting. However, it is immensely important for children. They learn to regulate their emotions and tolerate frustration. These skills are essential for social interaction and later life.

A brain researcher describes tolerance for frustration in terms of learning to walk: children pull themselves up, fall down, and keep trying. This persistence is necessary to successfully navigate the early years of life. The same goes for emotional development. Children learn that they won’t always get what they want right away and that they have to deal with disappointments.

This phase is also a learning time for parents. It’s important to have patience and to remember that this phase will pass. Children who learn to cope with their emotions often develop stronger emotional intelligence and are better able to handle stressful situations.

In the autonomy phase, children learn that they are independent individuals who can make their own decisions. This realization is of great importance for their personal development. Parents can support this process by giving their child the opportunity to take responsibility and act independently. This can be done by assigning small tasks or allowing them to make choices. Through such experiences, children learn that they have control over their own lives and that their decisions have consequences.

The Parent's Ultimate Challenge: Tantrums in Public

Tantrums in public are particularly challenging. Often, people stand by and offer clever tips or murmur incomprehensibly. It’s important to tune out the outside and focus on the child. One technique is to imagine sitting with the child under a soundproof dome to block out negative comments.

This technique helps focus on what’s essential: the child. It’s about showing them that their feelings are taken seriously and that you are there to help them. Even though it’s difficult, try to ignore the stares and comments of others and concentrate on your child.

It can also be helpful to plan in advance how you want to handle tantrums in public. Think about strategies you can use to de-escalate the situation and help your child calm down.

It’s important for parents to learn how to deal with the stares and comments of others. In such moments, it’s crucial to focus on the child and not on what others think. Parents should remember that tantrums are a normal part of child development and that it’s more important to help the child than to worry about the opinions of others. This requires courage and self-confidence, but it’s necessary to provide the support the child needs.

How to Help Your Child Through the "Terrible Twos"

During the defiance phase, children need a lot of love, time, and attention. Tantrums are important for processing emotions and provide the opportunity to learn self-regulation. Avoid unnecessarily frustrating situations by paying attention to your child's state: Are they tired, hungry, or overwhelmed?

Routines and rituals provide security but should remain flexible. Distraction can help in some situations. Support your child in dealing with their anger by allowing them to hit a pillow or breathe deeply. These are healthy ways to express emotions without causing harm.

It’s also important for you as a parent to take care of yourself. When you are stressed or overwhelmed, it’s harder to provide your child with the support they need. Make sure you get enough rest and support to remain patient and empathetic.

Parents can help their child by showing them how to deal with frustration. This can happen through modeling, by remaining calm and patient even when they are stressed themselves. It’s also important for parents to teach their child how to express emotions without harming others. This can be done by encouraging the child to put their feelings into words or by offering alternatives, such as hitting a pillow or drawing to release frustration.

The Terrible Twos are Just a Phase

The intense outbursts during the defiance phase will also subside. Developmental researchers see this phase as a transition from infancy to preschool age. By the age of four at the latest, it should be over. And then comes the next challenge: the wobbly tooth puberty.

It’s reassuring to know that this phase will pass and that your child will emerge stronger from it. The skills they learn during this time will benefit them throughout their lives. And you too will grow as a parent and learn how to best support your child in difficult times.

The defiance phase is a time of growth and development for both children and parents alike. It’s a time when children learn who they are and what they want, and when parents learn how to best support their children. This phase may be challenging, but it is also an opportunity to strengthen the bond between parent and child and grow together.